I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We were destined to go to rehab together
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
