I think my fart just growled at me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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