I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
