First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
