Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
