She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize