Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
