at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it was like eating out sand paper
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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