So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize