I'm lost and stupid without you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
