Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
