why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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