Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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