I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
