Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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