great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
