how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize