I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
