there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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