I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
