Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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