grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
