i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
