she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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