Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
