It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My feet surprised me
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
