Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
