did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
