Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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