I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
