Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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