you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
