I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
