Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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