Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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