Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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