i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
