there's paper in my vomit.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
