On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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