I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
