Redeem this text for a blowjob
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
