Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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