Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
