She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize