There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So apparently I’m into choking now
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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