so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
