So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
