You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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