a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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