watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my sisters under your porch take her home
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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