cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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