Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
