So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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