my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
