i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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