Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
