i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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