Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
