fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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