I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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