you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
