evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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