i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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