I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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