You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
