I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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