I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
